i really feel like a walking corpse. like god is trying to poke holes in me. though, i don't think that god would do that, so maybe its me. my mind is getting worse too. i thought that i was making it stronger, but i'm sure that just as they told me: i'm turning it into sludge. maybe my mind is the only thing that is actually rotting. i guess thats plausible since once i lose that, its all over and everything else is just a side effect. anyways, sometimes these little things go wrong in my body, but i dont tell anyone, because i dont want to make a big issue out of it. the things that happen really aren't that bad, so i think that everyone has these things. but sometimes i wonder if i might be killing myself. not intentionally of course, just that i'm sending myself off into that direction. i thought that i was always trying to avoid that but maybe that was too hard of a task for me.
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the worst part is my eyes. sometimes its the blurry vision. with that, it seems like the connection to my brain is all loose, and all of the data is having trouble processing. other times, its the spikes. these tiny prickles in my eyes that poke holes all over. when i blink or close my eyes the liquid fills these holes and it feels incredible. maybe i've been conditioned to actually like this. not just the prickly feeling, but the feeling of my body deteriorating. its kinda like an excuse to give up, like i'm going to lose everything anyways. but i'm fine, so i shouldn't think that. instead, i need to focus on being healthy and safe and having a good future.